Bewildered?

Writing this in hopes of connecting. My soul’s been on disconnect for much longer than expected. Simple tasks had become behemoth; brushing my teeth, a feat of massive proportions. And I spent another five weeks searching deeper into my head and heart during October and November behind the scenes, as it were. Scaling beneath the surface of angst looking for a place where I could be. Just be. Inside the walls of the psych unit.

Fortunately, I didn’t stay stuck, though it would have been easy enough to do. Thrashing, I tore through membrane and sinewy shards to be here. Honestly, from a different perspective, I can’t answer where else, if I’d had other options, I’d be.

The landscape sure looks brighter from where I stand. Shocked and in awe, I find my friendships intact. My marriage, for lack of a better term, is surviving its brush with death. The communication gods have bestowed upon us the proper way to educate ourselves out of the bleakness. Me, being raised by wolves and all. Sometimes I feel I couldn’t find my way past the grocery clerk in the checkout line with the skills I was handed.

Faith abounds. Love that sentence. It does. It has. It will. Not necessarily in that order. My kitty, best-friend-in-the-whole-wide-world, is dying. And, as Sam is a pseudonym and my cat’s name isn’t really Mango, I want to give Cookie Girl her recognition. The best, you are, my little love.

Instead of changing “religions” I inadvertently checked out a new church. Inadvertently, because I had not been paying attention apparently, as some members of my old congregation flocked to the one I now attend. They’re both UU. How cool is that? Only what struck me–what roped me and drew me in–was the BAND! Rock my soul.

Recently, I totalled the number of writing groups of which I am a part. Five. Twice weekly and three monthly. Sometimes it costs money to belong. One great group consists of three of us. One is brand new memoir writers. It’s all such fun; a focal point for me. Very nice social outlet. However, outside of the groups, I am not writing. This blog lay dormant for the better part of six months.  I’ve yet to sit and tap out a story about anything/nothing for me. For the hell of it.

So, I am going to do that. And, I am going to read a book of fantasy. Beginning Saturday, I will take walks. It’s snowing furiously at the moment and tomorrow I will have surgery to remove and replace a descended lens (inserteted to correct cataracts years ago) in my right eye.

Once back on track, and I can see myself clearly, I will at least stand a fighting chance. Because, as so many people who have been confronted with issues that seem insurmountable, I am a willing fighter. I like to think of myself sometimes as a close friend puts it: superhero. Plain. Simple. I am.

 

 

Advertisements

About sam davies

I love to write. I have a wonderful partner, G, of 16 years and a kitty named Mango. Only recently reclaimed my transgender Self. All my life I felt like a boy but didn't have a name for what it was I felt. As I travel this journey, I hope to meet others along the way who walk a more different path from the rest.
This entry was posted in Community, Connection, Family, Friendship, Hope, Psych Hospitalization, Reality, sadness, superhero. Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Bewildered?

  1. pkcapaldo says:

    So happy to see you back on the page! In spite of everything life throws at you, you always re-emerge stronger. I think the new favorite phrase applies perfectly to you: “Nevertheless, she persisted!”

    Like

  2. Kate W says:

    Be well, my friend. L and I miss you. We send our love, even when we don’t see you to hug, as we travel on our journeys. -Kate

    Like

  3. contoveros says:

    It sounds like you’re back in the saddle again, backward a friend as a friend

    Like

  4. contoveros says:

    👍🏾

    It sounds like you’re back in the saddle again!

    Writing is fun.

    It is also a therapeutic.

    It has kept me sane for many years despite the insanity that exist all around.

    Michael J,

    Like

  5. Flo Shore says:

    Great post!!!

    Like

  6. This good friend sounds very wise.

    Bravo on a wonderful post! It takes superhero bravery to write about these kinds of things. Keep writing and going to your writing groups and surrounding yourself with friends. There are so many people rooting for you.

    “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” — Martin Luther King Jr.

    P.S. I was raised by wolves, too.

    Like

  7. Sherry M. says:

    Yes, I was bewildered. I asked a few people about you and some seemed to think that you and F broke up. One person told me that you had joined a different UU. I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing so much better now on this difficult journey. I do miss you. Perhaps you’ll come to TPUUF once in a while. I’m going to host a Passover Seder on the second Sunday of April (Brunch day). Hang in there, my friend. Sherry

    Like

    • sam davies says:

      Hi Sherry, Things were very tense and uncomfortable for a time so you heard about right. Yes, there is an upswing, thank God. I miss you! I promise to return to TP from time to time. Take good care. J.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s