T and T

Yesterday, my good friend, R, reminded me softly to be patient. There’s an issue for me between taking testosterone and having stage three chronic kidney disease. They don’t mix. Part of me is moving quickly and didn’t look at facts from day one. At the beginning of this journey I was convinced I wanted no part of either testosterone or top surgery. In ten months, all that has changed. All of it.

In denial still, I tell myself on the twenty-third of this month, my PA-C will prescribe low dose T in gel form and I’ll be fine. Just a squirt here and there and my sanity will return, as though it were ever there in the first place. This will match that. Gratefully I’ll endure the puberty of a fourteen year old boy and get on with life each step closer to top surgery. It’s all a process; no magic here.

So it goes. No one has said I can’t have T. But, I had to Google things and slipped into the deepest depression I’ve felt in eight years. Called in the troops. Besides G, there are several non-biological family members, therapists and friends with whom I’d shared the good news  (following the January twenty-seventh appointment) where I’d learned T would be an option. They all came forward with hugs and love.

Disappointment doesn’t come easily. Of all my years in a twelve step program it took nearly half those years to learn to live a day at a time. Some don’t get it; I thought I’d be one of those people. I’m grateful, humble, etc., and honestly mean it. My bottom was bare bones; not just scary but creepy. There’s talk around the rooms of losing family and cars and homes. And minds. I was a fucked up person and  won’t go into details.

Back in the world, on track,  having the tools to perform, exist, subside, I want to live. Inside, I’m who I am with or without physical changes  I didn’t know I’d want or need. It’s up to me to garner as much strength as possible, with as many avenues open, to push like I were weight training or skiing down a mountain. Perhaps begin on a bunny slope and take it from there.


About sam davies

I write under the pseudonym, Sam Davies.
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10 Responses to T and T

  1. E says:

    Sometimes life just sucks. I’m sorry you fell into the depths – and so very glad you are climbing back out. Sending positive thoughts your way


    • sam davies says:

      Thanks, E, for following and for your comment. Sometimes things must suck in life, it’s true. With friends I find I don’t sink as far or as fast as I used to. I wanted to say in the post that, before I entered the 12-step program, I had no Higher Power. Then the light was lit. No matter that it dims, I feel it’ll never go out. That is where I find the most strength.


  2. Sherry Milke says:

    Jan/sam- I’m confused. Do you have kidney disease?

    Sherry (concerned)

    Sent from my iPad



    • sam davies says:

      Hi Sherry, No need for concern. Have been seeing Nephrologist yearly for about four years now. My diagnosis is the result of having taken Lithium for depression in the nineties. It’s chronic yet hasn’t developed any more since I began seeing him. I know Dave was real sick with kidney issues.


  3. Jamie Ray says:

    Hi Sam, I’m in “T-purgatory” trying to get my cholesterol down so I can take T, and trying to decide if the risk of heart problems is worth taking T (for the record I’ve been ambivalent anyway but I want the right to do it with just the usual risks).
    I’m in a very supportive closed Facebook group for trans men over forty, and they welcome both binary and non-binary (even though the title is trans men) and there a lot of guys in the group in their 50’s and 60’s with various health issues that prevent them from taking T or has made them reduce their dosage or go off T. OK, what I’m trying to say is you can be a trans guy and be part of the community without being on T, and without it being your choice or being happy about it.
    The group is called “Trans Men Over 40” the moderator is Tim McCoy, and although I do almost nothing on Facebook, it is worth it just for this group.


    • sam davies says:

      Thank you, Jamie Ray. I need a boost right about now. There is not a need to be on T, and like you, I want to know I have particular options. In the past I had signed up to be included in the group you mention. There was a misunderstanding and I was dropped from the group with no explanation. Perhaps I’ll give it another try. It sounds like a great place to belong.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. pkcapaldo says:

    I’m sorry you hit this roadblock that sent you hurling into the pit. You have a strength of spirit stronger than you even know, and I’m glad you are seeing the light again.


    • sam davies says:

      Well, the good thing is I didn’t remain there and reached out to those I know will support me. That, psyche meds, therapist(s) and my enduring orneriness had me bounce back sooner than I imagined possible. You hold a portion of the light that guides me and I want you to always know it.


  5. Sherry says:

    Thanks for letting me know. I was very concerned when you said kidney problems. See you soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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