Not certain whether folks will care that I don’t want to be ‘fully’ male. The word bi freaks people out. Or the use of it. Remember the time I attempted to fit into the lesbian community as bisexual in the mid-nineties without much success. I was married to a man at the time. Non-gay people were as non-supportive. Many/most in the circles I traveled showed disdain and mistrust. The women’s community saw bi folk as traitors and the straight world figured since we were bi we’d fuck anything that moved.
At present, nine months after my glorious discovery I’m able to let my masculine self emerge, I find I’m leaning in many different directions. Sure, wave the wand and I’d be a guy. But would that be me, really? Aren’t there so many aspects that remain undoubtedly feminine? No and yes. Men, their behaviors, some of them, are a complete turn off to me. For example, a man doesn’t necessarily ask you to move if you happen to be in his way. He might just stand there and stare until you move. Also, would I give up my inherent tendency to giggle and touch peoples’ arms as I empathize or try to make a point? Forget not being able to hug on a whim.
At group on Monday we shared with one another what it’s like to have sex as trans men. We received after group, those of us interested, sheets on talking before sex and in bed. Such a welcome and unknown possibility to me. Honestly, till I met my therapist, L, and became a member of the C. C. group, it didn’t occur to me to ask and be asked to share wants, desires and dislikes with my partner.
Excited, I carefully tucked my sheets into the inner pocket of my jacket and headed back to the train with a spring in my step. You can do this, I thought. It’ll be new and different and maybe FUN. Then, fear set in. The thought of making love in my new capacity flooded me. Sex has embarrassed me. Taking about it, watching it on film, doing it. Doesn’t help, the childhood sexual abuse thrown in.
At last, I have come to the conclusion, something could happen that went down for me when I first came out as a lesbian umpteen years ago. To not be sexual for an inordinate amount of time. Not wanting to go that route, not getting any younger, I feel the desire to re- immerse myself into the wondrous waves of sexual joy once again.