Trans or Bi Gender

Not certain whether folks will care that I don’t want to be ‘fully’ male. The word bi freaks people out. Or the use of it. Remember the time  I attempted to fit into the lesbian community as bisexual in the mid-nineties without much success.  I was married to a man at the time. Non-gay people were as non-supportive. Many/most in the circles I traveled showed disdain and mistrust. The women’s community saw bi folk as traitors and the straight world figured since we were bi we’d fuck anything that moved.

At present, nine months after my glorious discovery I’m able to let my masculine self emerge, I find I’m leaning in many different directions. Sure, wave the wand and I’d be a guy. But would that be me, really? Aren’t there so many aspects that remain undoubtedly feminine? No and yes. Men, their behaviors, some of them, are a complete turn off to me. For example, a man doesn’t necessarily ask you to move if you happen to be in his way. He might just stand there and stare until you move. Also, would I give up my inherent tendency to giggle and touch peoples’ arms as I empathize or try to make a point? Forget not being able to hug on a whim.

At group on Monday we shared with one another what it’s like to have sex as trans men.  We received after group, those of us interested, sheets on talking before sex and in bed. Such a welcome and unknown possibility to me. Honestly, till I met my therapist, L, and became a member of the C. C. group, it didn’t occur to me to ask and be asked to share wants, desires and dislikes with my partner.

Excited, I carefully tucked my sheets into the inner pocket of my jacket and headed back to the train with a spring in my step. You can do this, I thought. It’ll be new and different and maybe FUN. Then, fear set in. The thought of making love in my new capacity flooded me. Sex has embarrassed me. Taking about it, watching it on film, doing it. Doesn’t help, the childhood sexual abuse thrown in.

At last, I have come to the conclusion, something could happen that went down for me when I first came out as a lesbian umpteen years ago. To not be sexual for an inordinate amount of time. Not wanting to go that route, not getting any younger, I feel the desire to re- immerse myself into the wondrous waves of sexual joy once again.

 

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About sam davies

I love to write. I have a wonderful partner, G, of 16 years and a kitty named Mango. Only recently reclaimed my transgender Self. All my life I felt like a boy but didn't have a name for what it was I felt. As I travel this journey, I hope to meet others along the way who walk a more different path from the rest.
This entry was posted in Childhood sexual abuse, Connection, FTM, Hope, Mental health, Sex and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Trans or Bi Gender

  1. Jamie Ray says:

    It also took me a while to figure out that I was trans – but that I did not identify as either a trans man or a “straight white guy”. If the choice was “live as a worman” or “live as a man” I’d go for man – and even though the legal system and almost every form only has the two check boxes, I prefer to figure out a way to be authentically trans.

    Like

    • sam davies says:

      Thank you, Jamie. I am aware the choices are limited; on forms, in life. I also agree with you when it comes down to facts. I obviously identify as mainly trans if only for the notion I am SO comfortable in the space I share with trans men. If the choice were presented as you put it: “Okay you’re either going to live as a woman or as a man,” I would choose the ‘man’ box. Some day, perhaps in our lifetime, there will be no boxes.

      Like

  2. contoveros says:

    While I can’t relate to all the things you have been going through, I can understand the feeling of fear. I’m a guy and I thought I didn’t need to learn about a woman’s body to bring her pleasure. Too often, it was “wham, bam, thank you ma’m” and I’d be off to sleep with my partner probably unsatisfied and unhappy with my careless disregard of what would pleasure her.

    I have met a wonderful woman who is not afraid to tell me about parts of the woman’s body that I have found myself blushing while reading. I read an e-mail while at the VA Hospital this week and was sending a message back via my I-Phone and as I spoke into the phone I used the word “erection” just as an physician’s assistant walked in.

    I knew she heard it, but I was not afraid to tell her of my new found curiosity and knowledge, advising her that I finally learned a woman can orgasm through clitoris stimulation as well as the vaginal penetration.

    The woman, an African American, did not blush, but must have taken extreme pleasure in sticking her glove-covered hand further up my butt to insure I had no physical problems as I screamed in pan, not pleasure.

    You better be careful with whom you discuss these newly learned things about yourself and your partners. You never know who might not quite understand . . .

    Michael J

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  3. The butch says:

    Can you expand upon your reference to bigender in the post title as it applies to your experience? I’m curious to know if what you say about retaining what you consider to be feminine–or at least less masculine–mannerisms dovetails with the term bigender for you.

    It is fantastic that the topic of sex was so openly addressed, and that you were provided with materials to help guide you. So important. I was completely daunted by the prospect of having sex with GQB, knowing about her trauma from childhood sexual abuse and the fact that she was stone until fairly recently, along with my own trauma history. She found a wonderful and highly detailed consent questionnaire online, we printed two copies, filled them out and handed them off to each other. This helped me know very clearly what she wanted and didn’t want, and what she might be willing to try once trust was established. It has been enormously helpful.

    Communication is a wonderful, important thing.

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    • The butch says:

      This is the questionnaire/checklist we used, plus we added space for written commentary and outlines of human bodies, front and back, where we indicated green, yellow, and red zones.

      http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist

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      • sam davies says:

        Hello! Just checked out the link. Thank you for sending it. Much of the info is very similar to what’s on the sheets J gave out last Monday at our group. It will be interesting to go over them with G by my side.

        Liked by 1 person

    • sam davies says:

      I just got off the phone with a therapist willing to see us as a couple. Along with the questionnaires, my group, my gender therapist and the couples’ therapy I should be able to learn more about HOW to communicate. My experience is like that of GQB. I was shut down for many years, unable to speak about or allow to happen what I needed, and not so good at being receptive to partners, male or female, giving what they asked for. Learning to communicate will undoubtedly help in all areas of my being.

      Liked by 1 person

      • The butch says:

        Go easy on yourself. It takes time and patience and lots of practice.

        GQB had real difficulty telling me what felt good because very little of it did, at first. What she did have was the desire to give it a try, and to trust me to explore her body slowly and gently. Very very slowly, we have built up a palette of pleasure for her, and a bit more rapidly one for me. Even so, I check in with her constantly and consistently to make sure I have the green light, even if it’s something we’ve done dozens of times before. And yes, it’s all worth it, for both of us.

        I am totally pulling for you, friend. You’ve got your tools all lined up (how awesome are you!), and now it’s time to start using them.

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