Self Progression

Last evening I watched Janet Mock on OWN T.V. She tells where she came from and embracing her ‘otherness’as a trans women/person in this challenging environment for transgender people everywhere. Janet shared her progression from her roots in Hawaii where she was mimicked and ridiculed by even her family members for being an effeminate boy growing up to her successful memoir. What I gleaned mostly from her session on the show was, no matter what, no matter who we are, we are growing and changing and finding our way till we die.

Change of any type has always been a sensitive issue for me. There is not a time I recall not being deathly afraid of where the other shoe would drop. I’d fight tooth and nail to prevent my tiny piece on the planet being altered. Some of this was due to trauma. I trusted no one. If I could control where and when things would happen in my universe, I felt protected. PTSD, as I’ve mentioned, does not own my path. The horrors of the past that kept me hovering in corners for so many years have been replaced by my own wholesomeness. There’s no need for control, in retrospect.

Life has become easier and, not fraught with drama and negativity, more enjoyable. I see my journey now as I transition with more body and scope. Embracing my progress has become enlightening as well as a challenge. Progress, each bit and step, I view as embarking on an adventure. My train, my rules, right? Well, not quite. The world’s sometimes invasive take on transgender issues must come into play. I don’t live in a vacuum. Friends I’ve had for a long time are challenged with my confrontation of me. I’m different and I’m not ever going to be the woman they knew when.

I’m glad of it. Progression doesn’t go backwards. I identify as male. Bottom line. I want to be on low dose T. I want top surgery. It’s who I am. There are ways to boldly move ahead and I will take them.  If one had the dough, the process would be speedier. That isn’t happening and it’s a good thing. If I were transformed ‘overnight’ I might even scare myself. Maybe not. I see myself in the mirror as the make I was always intended. Yet, I don’t want to make others so uncomfortable they’d shy away never to return.

As my good friend, B, related a movie quote this morning; “This isn’t a tickle fest.” Life shouldn’t be all shit and no fun. The quest needn’t kill our soul to be maintained or managed and as much as we desire or encourage, our yearnings as transgender people, can be pleasant even. At least that’s how I check in on my progress. If I’m disillusioned with the way things roll I talk about it. I make the necessary therapy sessions and open wide to all possibilities. Thrilled and proud to say I have an appointment with the transgender practitioner at the Center next month and an intake interview. All leading to getting a prescription for T. I’m determined to receive my share of the transition pie. I hope all who are following your basic lead make progress in any form that suits. Well wishes.